La Alaskeña

So my email was hacked on Monday and oh boy, was that a fun mess to try and clean up. (I’m being facetious. There was nothing fun about it.)

Anyway, the hacker sent everybody in my contact list an email saying that I’d been mugged in a park in Wales, and that my flight left in a few hours, and I needed money soon to pay the hotel, which was holding me hostage for non-payment. You know what heartless sticklers those Welsh hoteliers are. Apparently the American embassy was also turning a blind eye to my predicament.

The logical fallacies in this approach are numerous, and perhaps the least of the problems was that the email was riddled with grammatical errors and sounded nothing like me. And you can bet that were I ever to be mugged in Wales, the last way I’d deal with it would be to send a message to everybody I’ve ever emailed, including former bosses and boyfriends.

Aside from the obvious embarrassment of people thinking I’m the sort of person who begs for money from ANYBODY, having my email hacked means that somebody had access to my information. I emailed myself my password for bank accounts and credit cards. Not smart! Luckily, our hacker was kind of an idiot and didn’t think to try to steal from me, instead of my contacts.

But it wasn’t just the email. Our hacker friend also tried chatting with anybody and everybody on gchat. My friend TL caught on to the ruse pretty quickly, since you know, I speak English and the hacker didn’t.

TL: What’s your birthday?

Hacker: what is all this question all about i need you to get me out of this mess

TL: Try to get a real life, rather than getting free money from other people.

Hacker: your mama mamama your father your mama is here with dog ****ing are

You stay classy, email hacker.

The moral of the story is to make your password about three years long, very hard to guess, and keep your sensitive information out of your email. Also, keep in mind that if your gmail account is compromised, there is very little support to get it back. There’s nobody you can call, and your communication with Google is also sent to the compromised account. The hacker will change your security question and secondary email. I’m just lucky Kurt has computer smarts, or else y’all would probably still be getting emails in which “I” blithely ask for $1500 loans.

I’m sure we all know people who don’t do things on Sunday. I don’t watch television on Sunday. I don’t go to parties on Sunday. I don’t listen to secular music on Sunday. I’m not any fun to be around on Sunday.

You know what I don’t do on Sunday?  Shower.

It’s so easy to start comparing myself to others– the former classmates who are off living in glamorous places with glamorous careers and glamorous lives.  The friends who haven’t gained a pound since junior high. The super-annoying people with money. Ugh, shut up about your money already! (I really, really should delete my Facebook.)

One thing that I feel insecure about is the fact that I haven’t finished college yet. I started college at Brigham Young University, and even though there were probably 3 or 4 things I didn’t hate about BYU, in 2005 I had to leave, for many reasons, but mostly my sanity. I tried to go back, in 2006, but I only lasted a week before I literally ran away from campus. True story. In heels, no less. Then I ran all the way to Mexico. (Also true, although I did not literally run the whole way.)

One of the 3 or 4 things I didn’t hate about BYU was my major, Latin American Studies. I loved Latin American Studies. I still do. Sadly, University of Alaska, Anchorage does not offer this major, and I was forced into European Studies. Now, I have never been to Europe. I would love to go. I might even like to live there someday. But here’s what I don’t want to do with Europe: study its history. Sorry Europe, but you should have had the presence of mind to make every king have a different name. I am interested in your food, your progressive social policies, even your pop music, but your incredibly annoying King Charles/Louis/William/Henry? Not so much.

Still, I am trying to go to school, but it’s so expensive and annoying and life gets in the way and before you know it you’re on the wrong side of your twenties and your career prospects are Banana Republic and waitressing. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s interacting with the general public.

So then I get all depressed… I’ll never finish college. It’s so expensive, and I can’t afford it because I haven’t got a good job and I haven’t got a good job because I haven’t finished college. Even if I did finish college what exactly will I do with a liberal arts degree? Probably what I’m doing now… waaaaaah, poor little Anda…

If only I could major in Wallowing In Self-Pity… or Knowing the Plot of Rebelde… or How to Accumulate a Ridiculous Number of Pets…

That being said, I AM registered for classes this fall. No idea how I’ll pay for them. Hope springs eternal.