Me: What is this a picture of?
Kindergartener: Cake?
Me: Nope. It’s something you have on Thanksgiving.
Kindergartener: Booze?
Me, trying not to laugh: No, not booze. It’s pie. Ok, what’s this a picture of?
Kindergartener: A radio?
Me: No, it’s something you open so you can go inside your house.
Kindergartener: A window?
Me: A door. Most people use doors.
Today I was in front of the dairy case at the supermarket, trying to decide which flavor of coffee creamer to get. A man with a child in his cart rolled up next to me. He was speaking to his wife or girlfriend on the phone. After sweetly signing off, he decided to chat me up.
“Hey beautiful,” he said. It took me a while to realize he was talking to me, as I am very rarely accused of being beautiful by strangers at the supermarket. It probably has something to do with my tendency to buy groceries whilst sporting sweats and second-day hair.
“Hey gorgeous.” I realized that not only was he speaking to me, but blocking my way. I turned and faced him.
“Hey baby, what’s your name?” he cooed.
For some reason I always feel compelled to be “nice” in these sorts of situations, rare though they are. However, I’ve noticed that being “nice” generally makes things worse. What should I say? Yo no hablo inglés? I’m engaged? Fuck off?
Instead, I said, “Yeah, I’m not gonna do this,” and walked away. I sincerely hope the sting of rejection causes him to think twice before trying to pick up random women at the supermarket in front of his child… or at least get some better pick-up lines.
Kindergartener: I spent the night at my Grandma’s house!
Me: That sounds like fun. My grandma lives in Utah so I don’t get to see her very often.
Kindergartener: UTAH? What kind of a planet is that?
“What do you call people from Michigan? Michiganites?”
“Actually, they’re called Michiganders.”
“Do they call the ladies Michigeese?”
Some guy gave me the stink-eye in traffic today. Apparently the fact that he was blaring Dust on the Bottle with the windows down was not an open invitation to sing along. My bad.
Kindergartener: When are you gonna get a baby?
Me: Not for a long time.
Kindergartener: So… tomorrow?
(Y’all better be prepared for lots of funny kindergartener stories. The funniest people in my life right now are 23 kindergarteners, except for Kurt, but most of the funny things he says are wildly inappropriate and therefore not blog-able.)