Kindergartener: Cake?

Me: Nope. It’s something you have on Thanksgiving.

Kindergartener: Booze?

Me, trying not to laugh: No, not booze. It’s pie. Ok, what’s this a picture of?

Kindergartener: A radio?

Me: No, it’s something you open so you can go inside your house.

Kindergartener: A window?

Me: A door. Most people use doors.

I continued to enjoy Valentine’s Day until February 14th, 1996. I had a crush– we’ll call him Ron. Ron and I sat next to each other in Mr. Sterling’s sixth grade class. We were always talking and laughing and up to hijinks, like the time we coated our eyelids with Anbesol. I was so excited for Valentine’s Day. What kind of valentine would Ron get me? What would it say? I made an extra special valentine for Ron, and filled the envelope with carefully chosen conversation hearts.

I ripped open Ron’s valentine, anticipating a declaration of puppy love. Instead it was a store-bought valentine. On it, Ron had scrawled, “Leave me alone.”

You’d think that would have soured me on Valentine’s Day, but no. In the grand scheme of things, it was just one bad day. But let me explain to you the real reason why Valentine’s Day is never, ever a total loss.
There’s pretty much nothing I’d rather eat. There never was a happier marriage than chocolate and marshmallow. How can you hate any holiday that inundates your local grocery store with marshmallowy ooey gooey goodness?

We’ve got chocolate covered marshmallow hearts, eggs, pumpkins and Santas. If Russell Stover can come up with something for Independence Day and Labor Day, my joy will be complete year-round.

So whether you’re married, single, or somewhere in between, stop the pity party and have some candy! You’ll feel better, I promise.

Coco and Petunia!

Aaaaaaah, they’re so cute.

(There were also presents underneath the tree, they were just all unwrapped when I took this picture, although if you feel bad for me and think I should have more presents, that’s fine. I’d be down with that.)

I like how they had the budget for a sleigh, but not reindeer. They also couldn’t afford anybody to make a decent PowerPoint for them, or to proofread it. But spare no expense when it comes to hair gel!

But luckily for the two people that both read this blog and buy me presents, I’ve put together a holiday gift guide of things that I promise not to buy for myself until after December 25th.

Marc by Marc Jacobs bow necklace. Adorable.

I unapologetically love Elizabeth Gilbert. So there. This book doesn’t actually come out until after Christmas, so you could pre-order it for me. = )

Woody Woodpecker makes me laugh like a moron.

These morons also make me laugh like a moron.

Yves St. Laurent Parisenne– probably the closest I’ll get to Paris for a long time.

And lastly, a gigantor spatula, because Baby loves her pancakes.

“He’s gonna eat your children while they lie in their beds.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how the song goes.”

“Why are you asking me that question?”

“You think I know?”

Happy Thanksgiving!

…and I found the best pumpkin ever.

Is it bad that I want to take cupcakes to work for my own birthday? Like it’s second grade? It’s my birthday so I brought you cupcakes. Feel free to reciprocate on your own birthday.

Usually I feel depressed on my birthday because I’m like, another year’s gone by and I’m not a thin, glamorous telenovela star/volcanologist/rodeo cowgirl! (I know volcanologists are not known for their glamour, but believe me, I’d revolutionize the field in that respect.) But ripping myself apart for what I’m not is counter-productive so this birthday we’re celebrating the fact that in my 25 years of life, I’ve never been arrested or knocked up. Yeah! So far, so good!

Incidentally, it’s also my baby sister’s sweet sixteenth birthday. I’m a little upset, because last time I checked, she was this big:

And now apparently she’s sixteen.

Here is a photo from when we turned 17 and 8:

We have the same smile.

Here’s last year:

I just remembered. I still need to get her a present.

Happy birthday to me and Lara!

My ideas so far:

Alice in Wonderland

Ehhhh… then again, a pinafore is not my best look.

Holly Golightly

But I work in a pharmacy, so we hear Golightly but think Go-Lytely and that’s not what I want to evoke.

Scarlett O’Hara

And if you think I wouldn’t use it as an excuse to adopt a fake Southern accent and say things like “I’ve got the vapors!” all day, then I guess you don’t know me very well, do you?

The Green Fairy

Let’s get this Halloween party started! Oh wait. Not appropriate for work. Or anywhere, ever.

Lady Gaga

Mmmk, so I know the dress code says I can’t wear jeans, but can I just forego pants altogether? No? Not ok?

Chuck from Pushing Daisies

I’d have to spend all day explaining it. Chuck. Yeah, a girl named Chuck. From a television show cancelled too soon. And then I’d start sobbing and have to run to the ladies’ room. At least I’d have pie to comfort me.

Most of my ideas would be things I’d have to explain all day. I’m Harriet the Spy/Theda Bara/Joan from Mad Men, you philistine! So yeah, any suggestions for costumes that are easily recognizable but not slutty would be much appreciated.