Ok, so here’s one thing I don’t get: dressing babies up. Unless you’re dressing them up like animals, which is funny. Another exception is dressing baby boys up like college professors, which is adorable and funny.
But seriously. Jewelry for babies? Imagine trying to explain that one in the emergency room.
“The x-ray shows a tiny bracelet caught in the small intestine.”
“Well you see doc, even though she can’t walk yet, I thought she needed a charm bracelet. And earrings. And high heels.”
Here’s another thing I don’t understand: attaching ginorm flowers to a baby’s head. I mean, a bow or a headband? Fine. But when the flower or marabou pouf is bigger than the baby’s face? It’s ridiculous. Also, it might result in lopsided neck muscles. Or self-esteem issues. You know all the other babies are laughing.
I know this criticism is a little rich coming from a childless woman with an entire dresser drawer devoted to dog clothing. But my dogs are A: not human infants, and B: um… I got nothing. There’s no excuse for dressing my dogs in seasonally themed outfits, other than that it’s funny and I get a kick out it. Besides, they don’t mind.
See? They love it.
This is all precipitated by reading the blog of a girl I know who posted photos of her newborn wearing a tutu, a headflower, and several items of jewelry. I feel comfortable writing about this publicly, because she is not the only girl I know who posts photos of her baby in ridiculous costumes. So relax. This isn’t about YOU. YOUR baby’s tutu is tasteful.
I’m looking at these pictures and feeling sorry for the baby (who was adorable, by the way), because I’ll bet Mom’s going to be pissed when that kid develops enough muscle tone to rip off that silly headgear. And I was laughing, because I’m kind of a bitch. There, I said it, so you don’t have to. Kurt came to see what I was laughing about, so I showed him the pictures, but he didn’t think they were that funny.
“If I had a baby I’d probably put it in stupid outfits too,” he said.
“Like what?”"
“Like how to dress for a robbery.”
“I’m sorry?”
“You know, put the baby in pantyhose. A baby with pantyhose over its face. I did it to Wiscious. I’ll probably do it to a baby.”
The best part is that I know he totally would. He’s gonna be such a great dad.
