La Alaskeña

I don’t love Scarlett Johansson. I’m sorry, but I just don’t. I’m the first to admit that she has a lovely set of bosoms, that she’s pretty, that she has good taste in husbands and clothes, etc, but I feel that rumors of her talent have been widely exaggerated. I hate how people act like she’s God’s gift to cinema. She’s not, ok? Chris Kattan is God’s gift to cinema. Watch Corky Romano and you’ll see what I mean.

Let’s be honest: I have a problem with people that are younger than me and more successful. (Abigail Breslin, you’re on notice.)

When I heard that Scarlett Johansson was recording an album, I was like, really Scarlett? Really? It’s not enough to be married to Ryan Roberts and make movies with the likes of Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor and be Woody Allen’s muse and have the whole world fawning over you? You have to have music too?

Then I heard her man-voice on Anywhere I Lay My Head and I felt much better. I indulged in a little schadenfraude because it was just so very awful.

And then it came to my attention that she was making an album with Pete Yorn, and I was like Pete, you know I love you and all, but have you heard her voice? She sounds like a man-frog. But I got the album anyway, because I have been slavishly devoted to Pete Yorn since my junior year of high school, and Pete? I STAND CORRECTED.

Not only do I not hate her voice on Break Up, but I actually kind of like it. I’ve been listening to it non-stop since I got it. My only solace is how supremely uncomfortable she looks in the music video.

Scarlett wins. Again.