La Alaskeña

Me: Honey? There’s a huge-ass spider in the bathroom.

Kurt: I’ll get it tomorrow.

Me: It won’t be there tomorrow.

Kurt: Mmhmmmmm.

Me: It’s probably already gone.

Kurt: Mmmhmmmmm.

Now please. Don’t go discounting me as some sort of shrinking violet who can’t kill her own spiders. I can. I just won’t. Since becoming a vegetarian about two years ago, I’ve been rendered incapable of killing anything, including spiders. More than once I’ve rescued an ant from drowning in the bathtub. The thought of squishing a living creature is just vile to me. That being said, I’m ok with Kurt doing it.

Granted, I’d rather he carry it outside to live a long, healthy spider life, eating the mosquitos that I don’t have the heart to kill. But when all is said and done, I do not want to share the bathroom with a spider.

It’s not that I’m scared of them, I just don’t like the way they sneak up on you. I don’t trust the way they move. Forward, backward, side to side! It’s not right. Ricky Gervais said it best when he remarked, ”Spiders. Nothing needs that many legs.”

When I lived in Mexico I spent a lot of time at doctor’s appointments because I kept getting amoebic dysentery and stung by scorpions. Seriously. Anyway, one of my doctors was this middle-aged Mexican lady with perfectly coiffed hair and a penchant for polyester, but she also happened to have some pretty cool earrings. They looked kinda like this:

If I remember correctly, hers had jade bodies and loads of tiny diamonds acting as beady little spider eyes. And I have to say, that for a somewhat dowdy middle-aged Mexican lady (don’t get me wrong– you do NOT want to mess with middle-aged Mexican ladies, dowdy or otherwise), those earrings made her look kinda bad-ass. So I kinda want some bad-ass spider earrings too.

To cap off this discussion of spiders, I will now share a perfectly horrific children’s cartoon from 1936. As a vintage cartoon  buff, I actually have this on DVD, and I made my little sister (who is absolutely petrified of spiders) watch it. If I start doing the creepy little spider dance, she freaks out. So I do it all the time, because everybody needs a reason to go to therapy when they grow up.

Ok. I’m sorry, but isn’t there something about that spider’s proboscis that seems a little… well… penis-y? At any rate, whatever it is, it’s completely disturbing, so go ahead and forward the link to somebody you love!