La Alaskeña

Yeah, I’m not really sure what that pig is about.

I was considering the culinary possibilities for St. Patrick’s Day. Green mashed potatoes? Green sugar cookies? Green pancakes? Then I decided on something easier and funnier: I would tint the half and half with green food coloring, as a St. Paddy’s Day surprise for Kurt. Imagine how delighted he’d be when he poured the half and half into his morning cup of joe and discovered it to be emerald green! So I furtively tinted the half and half with ten drops of green food dye and giggled myself to sleep.

HE DIDN’T NOTICE. He drank several cups of coffee with green half and half, and did not notice. So much for my St. Paddy’s prank.

I’ve always liked St. Patrick’s Day, if only because you get to pinch people with impunity. But when I lived in Mexico, nobody celebrated El Día de San Patricio. This was unacceptable to me, so I decided that my students were going to celebrate it with me. I told them all about St. Patrick’s Day, and how they needed to wear green on the 17th. 

“Well what do you do on St. Patrick’s Day?”

“Um… wear green. Pinch people that aren’t. Annoy people by adopting an Irish accent. Eat green food. Some people drink green beer.” They perked up at this.

“Can we drink beer?”

“No, for two reasons: this is school, and you are thirteen years old.”

“But it’s tradition!”

“Not your tradition. Forget it.”

But they didn’t forget. Everyday they reminded me of how much they wanted to drink beer on St. Patrick’s Day. Everyday I told them that under no circumstances would I allow them to drink beer in my classroom.

On the sixteenth I reminded them to wear green and leave the beer at home.

Nacho brought beer. He had several cans of Corona hidden in his backpack.  He was about to crack one open when I screeched at him to cease and desist, and put the beer away unless he wanted me to call his mother. It took a lot of deep breathing to prevent my head from exploding. Nacho was later expelled from the school– not for the beer, but for not shutting up. This makes sense. He only brought beer once, but every single day he gave me a headache with his endless chatter.

My point is: Happy St. Patrick’s Day!