La Alaskena

A lot of good television shows came out of the nineties, like “Friends” and “Beverly Hills 90210″ and “The Nanny” (just kidding), but the single greatest show of the nineties, perhaps of ALL TIME is “Sweet Valley High”.

For three short, glorious years my sisters and I enjoyed the madcap exploits of Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. But here’s the thing of it: I don’t remember a single one of them. Not one. This is kind of odd considering that I watched every single episode. I vaguely remember one scene: Jessica woke up early because she forgot about daylight saving time, and Elizabeth was already up with the sun, studying away, and Jessica was delighted at the extra hour of prep time before school, because it meant she had time to wax.

I don’t know why I can remember plot lines from “The Nanny” and “Step by Step” and other such execrable nineties sitcoms, but have no recollection of what happened on “Sweet Valley High”. All I know is that even in the fifth grade, I had already developed a sophisticated and discerning appreciation for astoundingly bad television, and I liked “Sweet Valley High” a WHOLE LOT, which means that it’s totally worth it to pay $35.99 for the first season on DVD.

There’s been quite a hullaballoo over Lindsay Lohan’s leaked MySpace declarations of undying love for DJ Samantha Ronson. I read all about it on the VH1 blog because I am unemployed and have lots of time to do these sorts of things. Here’s a sampling of comments made on the story.

Somebody named Elextra Morgan wrote: “Eww Lindsay has gone pshco she turning lesbian. Thats just so freakin wrong. I actually could see it cumin. I guess the little girl we once knew is gone forever. She is so ewwish=]”

T0P NOTCH GLAMOR CHiCK: “EW THATS REALLYGR0SS iF SHE’SA LEZB0.WTF THAT REALLYMESSED^F0 SH0!!”

Obviously, the homophobia and bigotry is rather disturbing, but I think there’s a bigger problem here, people: grammar and spelling. I’m talking about the decline of the English language and maybe even Western civilization.

Granted, Western civilization is already in trouble given the fact that young people today (myself included) are more interested in Lindsay Lohan than say, global warming or the crisis in the African textile industry. However, whether we like it or not, the way that we communicate says something about us, and the above comments scream, “I’m an uneducated idiot!” or perhaps, more appropriately, “IM A HOMoFOBiC DUMBASSSSSS!!!” And that’s unfortunate, fo sho.

http://eatsshootsandleaves.com

Not everybody knows this, but “Shake Your Bon Bon” is still just as great as it was in junior high. So is Ricky Martin. I hope he’s not a closeted homosexual like they say because that would really throw a wrench in my plans.

My whole schtick here, what I do, is to tell you what you should know, as defined by me. And today I’ve decided that everybody needs to know how hot Sakis Rouvas is, which is to say SUPER HUNKALICIOUS HOT. This is not hyperbole.

Sometimes when I am watching his life-changing music videos, I just have to turn away because I am afraid of spontaneous combustion. He is so hot that I can forgive him for totally ripping his dance moves off the Backstreet Boys. (He’d better watch his back. Kevin can be vicious if provoked.) As far as I’m concerned, he can rip off anything he wants, as long as he occasionally rips off his shirt as well.

See for yourself.